On July 22, 2024, my husband committed suicide.
I am still recovering from the shock and disappointment of that day.
It seems both real and unreal.
Many days I still feel like I’m in a nightmare that I can’t wake up from.
So many questions with few answers.
I did not see this coming.
But God did.
This brings both comfort and anguish to me.
Then, on October 12, 2024, my ninety-year-old father passed.
So, in less than three months, I lost the two most important earthly men in my life.
I knew my dad’s death was near, given he had been in a care facility for over a year in a slow but steady decline.
But to deal with losing both men so close together was not something I ever expected to have to face.
How has this affected my ability to worship God?
If you are a regular reader of my Bible study blog, you know my last post was immediately after my husband’s death in July 2024 to inform everyone I would be on a writing hiatus.
Thank you for your patience as I have struggled to return to my writing.
Just as that last post was not a Bible study post, this post is not strictly a Bible study either.
Instead, this post is to share how my losses have affected my worship experience.
I’d always heard it said that after one suffers the loss of a loved one, it is best to hold off for a minimum of one year before making any major decisions.
Yet in the days immediately following my husband’s death, I had to make myriads of decisions.
All of which felt like major decisions.
Here are a few of them.
- Where to stay the first two nights because the police had broken down my front door.
- Deciding all the details for the memorial service that took place.
- Determining when and how to return to my day job.
- Figuring out what things need to be changed to my name alone or instead of his.
- Beginning to sort through personal and household belongings.
- Figuring out my immediate financial picture and making plans for my future.
- Determining which unfinished home improvement project I could tackle first.
- Learning how to care for a motorcycle that must go through probate before I can sell it.
- Figuring out what to share on my first post back on this blog and returning to social media.
Sure, none of the items listed above are major decisions, but they all feel like major decisions.
Especially when just shy of thirty-five years, I have had a partner to either talk with about these types of things or simply handle them instead of me.
And not having my earthly father to seek counsel on things he knew about just adds to the sense of feeling overwhelmed.
But what does this have to do with my ability to worship God?
Well, for one, attending public worship services was just not emotionally possible given my state of grief and feeling so overwhelmed with day-to-day decisions.
I am so thankful that technology allowed me to stream my church’s worship services in the privacy of my home during these past several months.
This gave me the opportunity to still be a part of a public experience while being able to fall apart without disturbing everyone else’s experience of worship.
Initially, I felt guilty that I couldn’t bring myself to attend a public worship service.
But my pastors, yes plural, and my closest friends encouraged me not to rush myself nor to feel guilty.
And once I felt ready to return to a public worship service, they encouraged me to arrive late and leave early to avoid being overwhelmed by those who know me that have not seen me since this happened.
Further, being unable to attend a public worship service during those months did not mean I wasn’t worshipping God.
Instead of public worship, I was and am deeply involved with the spiritual disciplines of daily Bible reading, journaling, and solitude.
These activities of worship were part of my routine before the tragedy of July 22, 2024. But immediately afterwards, they became the primary form of my worship experience because of being suddenly immersed in grief and shock.
That I retreated strongly into these three specific spiritual disciplines reminded me that during our dating period, my husband had asked me some questions about my faith that I couldn’t answer. This bothered me greatly, so my solution was to commit to reading through the Bible in a year and to journal and reflect on why I claimed to be a Christian.
I honestly don’t remember now what those questions were. The point of why I am sharing this with you is that those questions motivated me to immerse myself in scripture. Bottom line, I sought to know God more fully by spending time alone with Him in His Word.
And now, so many years later of continuing this simple practice of reading through the Bible yearly, journaling my thoughts about it and listening for His instructions through them is what forms the bedrock of my personal worship practice.
Do not misunderstand me.
Public worship is an important part of the Christian faith. It brings believers together for fellowship and encouragement. And the Lord does desire us to worship Him publicly. (See Hebrews 10:25)
But when the heart is in a gazillion pieces as mine certainly was back in July, the best place to receive healing while the pieces are being put together is with God alone.
I recently learned a neighbor of mine spent some time in the emergency room after getting his hand bit when he intervened to resolve a fight between two of his dogs. He no longer needs to keep it bandaged, and the scarring appears minimal, but that doesn’t mean his hand doesn’t still hurt. He commented that it’s still healing on the inside even though the outside looks pretty good.
This is true of me as well. Outwardly, most days, my friends and family all remark that I’m doing so well. But inwardly, there is still a lot of healing taking place. Some days, that healing bubbles to the surface and I need to retreat again into the arms of my Lord and savior, away from public view.
So really, the title of this post is inaccurate. It is that, for me, being in public with my worship has been hard because I’m so deeply wounded.
Who better than God though to heal my shattered heart?
Do I understand why God allowed this tragedy in my life?
No.
But then, neither did most of those who walked the journey of faith before me when they suffered their own shattered hearts or didn’t receive what they were promised.
Spend some time reading through Hebrews 11 to understand what I mean.
Initially, I was questioning God with the deep cry of, “why did this happen?” This is a natural response to what I have experienced.
But as I have spent time alone with God, this question is less frequent. Instead, my question of God is turning most often to, “now what?”
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.[1]
This is the ultimate answer to my question of “now what?” What it looks like exactly, though, is a process of discovery as I travel the journey prepared for me.
One pastor that has been helping me walk through this valley of sorrow toward healing made a statement that keeps returning to my mind. It went something like this: “We worship a God who redeems. I don’t know how God will redeem this, but I know He will.”
Thus begins this new journey for me. A journey without the two most important earthly men I was blessed to know. But a journey filled with God’s redeeming love and power to sustain me. It is also a journey filled with an amazing network of friends, family, and even strangers who have prayed for me and expressed immense love and care.
How have you experienced God’s redeeming love and power, either directly or through your friends, family, or strangers, in the past months?
What is your favorite private way to worship God? Why?
Warmly,
Barbara Lynn
[1] The Holy Bible: English Standard Version (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2016), Heb 12:1–2.
Written from your heart. My prayer is that those who are or have been through tough times like you will be blessed and encouraged. Hugs!
Thank you! And that is my prayer as well.
Oh Barbara, how much I want to say to you, but one thought tonight. Do you remember the Footprints in the Sand poem? When we are carried on our way by loving arms? You are being carried now. Our father, our savior and holy spirit have got you. When it is time for you to stand, they will let you stand and pick you up as needed. What a joy. This makes me smile as I type this. We all have days where we are carried.❤️. Thank you for helping me to remember this.
I do know that poem and agree with you.
Loved your heartfelt blog, because I know it truly is from your “heart”. So thankful God is speaking to you in a big way, supplying your needs at this time, and providing you with people who are your encourages. I love you girl!
Thanks Bonnie.
Barbara this is beautiful! Continued prayers for your ‘inside’ healing and for God to answer your ‘now what’ question in His time. Thankful that He uses all our brokenness in beautiful ways. Love you my friend❤️
Thank so much Amy
As someone who has struggled with my own faith and walk with God, I’ve always admired you and others in our family, finding hope in your strength. The way you navigate such devastating times is a powerful testament to your faith, devotion, and God’s love and plan.
I often find myself getting “caught in the weeds”, whether in my personal life, at work, or silly drama with friends. Regardless, I’m focusing too much on my current situation — whatever I’m feeling “stuck” in – but not moving in any direction. But you expressed so well, with scripture, the importance of letting go of certain burdens and running forward to what lies ahead — even when we can’t see it yet. That’s faith. I’ve experienced that in my identity struggles as an adopted child, having lost my birth parents, having lost former friends, moving to new countries, and even more recently – being laid off of work last year.
One of my favorite hymns that brought me comfort after Bob – my grandfather and your father-in-law – passed, was “It Is Well With My Soul.” I always found it “catchy”, but during my waves of grief – high and low – I listened to it on repeat. I still find it hard to explain why, but there’s something about its lyrics that touch me deeply, evoking a level of emotion I can’t quite put into words. I would love to know if there are any particular gyms that bring you comfort in times like these.
Thank you for sharing your journey, and your healing.
I appreciate the deepness with which you reflect on your life. Music is tricky for me since it used to be my career. In many ways, listening to hymns and especially classical music, the genre I studied professionally, is still painful for me. Largely because music has the power to bring my emotions to the surface in a way nothing else can. On my commute to and from work, I listen to HIS radio, a contemporary Christian music station in my area. Interestingly, on Monday morning the first song on the radio was Strong by Anne Wilson. Powerful for me. Today, Holy Water by We the Kingdom was first up today—another powerful one for me. I can tell you that in my high school days, hymns were what brought me back to church after a period of refusing to go. I don’t recall which hymns though. Just that the words in the hymns as I played through them at the request of my mother while they were at church were what compelled me to return to the worship service. The first Sunday I returned, during a silent prayer time, I distinctly heard the Lord say to me, “You belong here.” I wish I could say that kept me steadily faithful from that moment on. It took your Uncle Doug asking me those challenging questions I can’t also can’t remember to draw me back into regular worship after I’d drifted away again in my early college days. As I think of other hymns or Christian songs that help me I’ll send them your way. You do the same for me okay?
Barbara,
Thank you for your courage in being so vulnerable and honest in your blog. I admire your strength in the midst of this unimaginable tragedy.
God is working in and through you in a mighty way and I will continue to pray for you.
Much love,
Lynn
Thanks.
This blog post is open and honest, just like you. It will be an inspiration to others struggling with similar circumstances in their lives. Bless you for sharing your journey with us.
Thanks.